Let It Go...

So I'm not usually one to quickly admit my faults less than desirable traits, but it has become quite apparent in recent months that self inflicted torture seems to be one of them. Isn't that a trait you would like to have too? Okay, okay, not like physical torture, I am after all the one who can barely have blood drawn without passing out! But more like mental torture by pushing things to the limit, and not being able to leave well enough alone! And I seriously can't just let it go!!!


I'm the person who although I know very well the answer to a question I'm about to ask will be "no," will ask anyway, knowing very well that hearing "no" will not leave a good taste in my mouth (that couldn't possibly be where my two year old gets it from). But alas, I can't just not ask and let it go, that would be too easy! More times than not, I can't just drop something and let it go. I'm one of those, talk it through and work it out 'till I'm blue in the face kind of gals, even if in the end I'm a crying mess thinking to myself "I should have walked away five hours ago!" (Not that I have very many five hour conversations, but you know!)


Being a people pleaser drama hater I often don't say what I really want to say, because heaven forbid I upset or offend anyone. So I then keep it all bottled up inside, and the other party gets to think everything is perfectly fine and I'm great with being a doormat! Then of course I am upset with myself for not speaking my mind and for letting people off the hook so easily, while I am left an emotional wreck!


I expect more from people than I know they can give, and then get upset when they don't produce the results I'm waiting for, and then get mad for getting upset (I just can't win)! I'm the one who will relive a memory from decades ago (I'm still not sure why we can't erase certain memories) and also relive the emotion that came with it, good or bad...over and over and over...you get my point. I'm the one who will wait for that phone call I know will never come and still get upset that it doesn't come! That will wait for someone to change so I can let them back into my life, and continue to be disappointed time and time again, and allow the hurt to grow rather than cut all ties...I know, I know, people don't change (but when it's family, you still hold the hope that they will)!


Maybe someday, I hope it's soon, I'll learn to just let it go, and let it be! To not set myself up for letdown, to not put me in a position to get hurt, to not push something to the point of being more than it really is. I'd probably be much happier if I could just let allot of things go! But all in all "I don't regret it and I don't think it was just a waste of time," are words I still hold true to my heart!!! For as I've said before, in everything is a learning experience!